Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
