well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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