as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
