dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
