Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
