So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
