Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize