I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
