I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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