and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
