i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
