I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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