Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
