Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
