life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
