Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Gay?
German.
Pity.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
