I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize