Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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