highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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