It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
