glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
