Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize