You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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