Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
