cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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