her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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