Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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