An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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