I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
