I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
