I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
