I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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