how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize