i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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