i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
