He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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