The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
