everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i came on her dog
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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