im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
