Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
