Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
