haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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