Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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