no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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