I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
