did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
