Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
