Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
