dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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