Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
