since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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