Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize