i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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