Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
