My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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