I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
