You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
