I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
