Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
